Tuesday, 30 June 2009
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Damn.
To my dearly betrothed~ Steven Morrison
2009 April 30
If emptiness did have a name what would it be, but the name I seem to chase. For from my searching came side-discoveries, that offered hope and some belief to those who do not hear the call with their human ears, and see no blackened light with human eyes as well. As one without eyes, forced to feel around the cosmic plain, I see the obvious truth as unimportant. As I know death is not to be feared, love is life, murder is evil and people are important; I pass on those old, recited lessons and go to my no-teacher-teachings. Self educated? Hardly, what person ever could be; if one learned how to read, was it not because of something or someone else had some what encouraged? I seek the inner circle truth, what line makes the circle is all common whatever’s. But the inside of the circle, the sphere; it's like becoming. Or that's as close as I could get, something like growing but always the same even though it never seems old. I seek becoming, not growth, I suppose; but a completion. Unforchantly, people don't understand my feels of what's called "one mind"; to me it's like this feeling of being, knowing all for "you" are everything, but with this similar individuality. As in, every person is in a body but everyone thinks differently and all live without being able to not co-exist. A universal expression lived and felt, not touched and studied. I do wish, though, that I could go more into that inner circle to learn and become more and more. But I know better, I am of course still in body; and one who travels into what is not-understandable while in form is bound to be almost immideantly destroyed and unrepairable. How can you fix a vase when the whole box was crushed and the vase turned to ashes inside? Even though I enter more and more, and seem fine, I feel the toll the inner circle has taken; for with me I end up not destroyed but more along "vanished". When I try and feel that feeling of the inner circle completion I waste away some consciousness that binds me humanly to others. Careless and stupid I already know, but what I burnt away made room for other things. As I vanished and created that emptiness that was meant to become all, I created a space for more human things such as free-based-form emotions to grow. As the space rapidly tried closing it's self to shut off that empty, suddenly situations happened and became pure and blinding emotions that flooded the space until it became full. Fear, love, trust, compassion, hatred, guilt, pain, bitter, hallow and belief filled my soul and tears came easy now. I held more ropes to the Earth I was so willing to leave for what I hoped wouldn't turn out as emptiness but as inner completion. The ropes burn my future as much that emptiness becomes more of an enemy to my mind. Does this qualify as a destructive addiction? Like, to be tied to a string and thrown into space, I love all the lack of gravity but I'm dieing from lack of air. I understand all the bad, but I feel like I am getting so close to the real inner circle; maybe I'm willing to throw down my body's and mind's life for something so temptingly possible. Am I absolute, or am I not done?
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